Brexit Diary part four - Moondust from the planet ballsack.

It is always reassuring to think that somebody is in charge even if it isn’t you. In a way, it is reassuring to imagine that all of the bad things that happen are the result of some sort of plan. You know, like the devil or Lizards. Anybody but us basically. We…me and you that is, (and maybe some of our friends sometimes), we are the Goodies. Fighting the good fight and righting wrongs. We are the ones that stand between the lizards and the destruction of life as we would like it to be. Sadly, life is not like star wars and the lizards are MUCH better at getting shit done than we are. They probably don’t drink for a start, which makes them dull but efficient. Nobody knows what the point of all of this evil efficiency is. Nefarious is as nefarious does. The devil’s motives are unfathomable to people who are as pure of heart as we are. Cluelessness is the price you pay for being good.

We might be confused and be all like:

“Dude, Lizard, chill…have a fucking cocktail and put your feet up”

But lizards don’t work like that. Their little claws cannot grasp cocktail glasses and, because they are largely waterproof, they have no need for umbrellas…even to keep their drinks dry. They are not like US, even though many of our thought processes originate in a tiny little lizard shaped acorn that sits on the top of our spinal column and which is the evolutionary foundation of our huge and useless brains. People are always putting other people down for being stupid, but really it’s old smarty pants with the pattering feet and the two foot long tongue that causes all of the problems. Hooray for stupid people …until they start doing the bidding of evil geniuses anyway.

If you want to get shit done you have to actually become a lizard. This is hard, unless you are Steve Bannon.

Steve Bannon is a disgusting sack of shit and giblets that stays upright by chewing smart drugs and doughnuts. I didn’t make that up. Scientists measured him with a doughnut shaped shit and giblet-ometer and the readings were off the scale.

Hopefully you, dear reader, are seeing this after his name has been consigned to a depressing history book and his entire existence is remembered regretfully, (if at all), like that night when you drank twelve gravy martinis and ate your own foot.

Lizards come from a big planet that is invisible to telescopes and that is probably a spaceship. Niburu. Their control is so massive that nobody is even sure if they actually control the notion of control with a big controller. But if that was true, the knob on the controller wouldn’t work because it wouldn’t exist. Thinking about this stuff is hard Often, people who believe in medicine or caring for the poor and frail have just been caught by a lizard’s trick. They are communists. Like Hitler.

Confusing isn’t it? I just made all this stuff up. Like vibrational symmetry, which would be the power governing balloons of the same colour that makes them all go in the same direction no matter which way the wind is blowing. Racists will probably think this is serious.

Imagination is always making stuff up to to keep you entertained.

It is like a big tap dancer or a mime artist projecting stupid stuff on your lizard brain to keep it distracted from the spirit crushing futility of existence in the modern human environment. Sometimes it projects the idea that you might be king of the world as entertainment.

Never mistake entertainment for survival skills .

Honestly…I thought that Rasputin’s first name was RARA for the longest ever time because of the Boney M song. Rara Rasputin is a song and not an actual history lesson, so nobody calls it out for being historically inaccurate. Songs are much more fun that actual history books, which can be long and depressing. That is why some people get all of their history from disco songs, which is actually good fun, but can make you as dumb as a rock. Luckily you won’t even recognise that you are as dumb as a rock. Stupid is as stupid does. The internet is also a bit like a big disco that is silly but sounds a bit serious. Because the internet disco song, flashes, pings and is full of exciting people who might want to have sex with you,(although probably not), humans pay loads of attention to it.. Rara had a brother called DADA.

Can you say DADA?

Try it. It is quite entertaining until you start thinking it might be true in ways that aren’t just stories. Infowarts is like a big joke and a story that people started taking seriously because there is a funny fat man on it who shouts a lot, makes faces and wants to sell you caveman powder made out of Mammoth bones so that you won’t do gay things. He is pretty funny until you believe him. His Mammoth powder is actually made out of moondust from the planet ballsack, but people still buy it because they are sometimes hopeful that people who sound REALLY sure about stuff aren’t just despicable human beings with bills to pay. Too bad we all like to live in hope huh?

If you are going to tell a lie, tell a big one …but make sure you let everyone know at the end of the show that it was just a story otherwise they might get weirder than lizards or Josef Gerbils, who was a big chicken farmer that people took WAY too seriously. I am a story teller who would quite like to keep chickens. If you start to believe your own bullshit, you can go and try it out on your feathery friends. If they lay an egg it means they believe you.

If you believe that, you’ll believe anything.

But still;

Never Get Rid Of All The Chickens.

It is solid advice and the worst acronym in the world.

Ok?

Here is my begging bowl if you want to buy my chickens a cocktail.

whoops …someone stole my begging bowl …oh well